Start-itis

What is it about starting a new knitting project that gives me such a buzz? Seriously, I feel like a 16 yr old who is sneaking their first beer... I cast on and for days I just live and die to work on that project. Right now its another Wonderful Wallaby for my son. His second Wallaby... this one is size 4... and its in a variegated Gator color yarn, dyed by Onceinabluemoonbaby on Etsy. last year I bought some yarn from her and being a picky little Gator fan, I had to tell her the color was off a little. We determined that it was due to computer monitors and their ability to magically morph colors. Being the sweetest most wonderful yarnista that she is... she dyed me all new yarn and this time the color was spot on! So... I started the project last weekend...this morning I got up early to knit a few rows, since I am about to fuse the pouch and in my buzzed state as I knit-knit-knit away, I remembered my long lost Tea Leaves Sweater that I never finished. I will. I just dont know when... even though I keep saying SOON. I have to download the pattern pdf though, I lost it. I just wish I was toddler size 4 so I would be more than halfway through the project before the start-buzz wore off!!!

A dollar to spare!!!!!!!

My son had his 3rd speech therapy class today. I do think it is helping, but I do not understand why. She focuses and repeats words, like "push" - "up" - "open"-"close"- "go car go" and "boom" while they play with different toys. I feel like the repetition will work eventually, but the reason any of it works is because it is another person doing the teaching. I try and teach him something and the child just tries to figure out a way to aggravate me because he loves to get me frustrated. Lucky me.

We took him to the dog park this weekend... we pretty much just walked through it to the other side which has a playground. A hound dog jumped up on him and scratched his little face. He did not seem affected by it and had a good time at the playground. I got some good pictures I will have to post them soon. It has been so humid here, it is not even worth going outside. Sticky humid-nastiness. I am excited for next month.

I bought a washer-dryer set finally. It was a craigslist gamble, but it seems that they will work fine. I tested the washer last night and need a plug for the dryer. My first thing to do will be to felt a purse I knit up the other day.I cannot wait. I will take some before and after pictures too.

I paid my rent... I had ONE dollar leftover! That is progress!!! This is literally the first month I have not had to sell something or return something to Wal Mart in order to make rent. I am late on the power bill, but I should be able to cover it next week without problems. My friend paid $100 on it as a birthday gift and that helped big time. Cable internet is due in the middle of the month, so that is paid already. The dog needs a rabies shot and my kiddo needs some bigger shirts, but as long as everything goes well I should be able to manage.

I had an email from a girl posing as a girl named Adrianna Nikko. She claimed to follow my blog. She said she tried knitting once, but "stunk at it" however, her email address was "knitquick.adrianna@gmail.com" she was not on Ravely.com, she had no project pictures to share and could not remember the name of any types of yarn she had knit with in the past... Finally I asked her if she was on facebook... she said yes. I looked her up and it was a really bad stock photo and she only had 3 friends. So I have decided that she is someone from Camp Josh trying to spy on me via blog. Pretty lame attempt. I might just post the emails if I ever have any free time. Its amusing... I went from SAHM with lots of free time to working-mom with NO FREE TIME! I barely have time to breathe now!

Wow I have money...?

How on earth did that happen? I have money in my account... I can pay my bills this month and I will have some money left over! This new job is finally paying some bills, now that I am getting consistant checks. August should be a busy-busy-busy month for sales! I hope to make loads of cash.

I am so happy in fact, I actually bought the boy some presents. I got him a glow-worm. Okay, its not a glow worm, its a glow-starfish. It got better reviews than glow-worm so I had to let go of the nostalgia idea and try the glow-starfish. I also fell like a 400 pound sucker for Amazon's super shipping savings and had to spend the $25 so I also bought him a Curious George lunch box and dish set. It shipped on the 22nd, so I hope it comes soon. I am not having much luck getting that kid to sleep at night, so hopefully the glow-buddy will help. Chances are it will go into the pile of toys, but you never know.

I went to see Inception last night. What a good movie! I was very impressed . I was honestly amazed by the fact that I followed it as well as I did. I had a glass of wine before I went and I am very glad I did not make it two glasses!!! Now what is it about Leonardo DiCaprio that makes him do these LONG movies? I cant stay comfortable in a movie theater for an hour, let alone 2.5 hours! I was fidgeting so much I made the girl next to me nervous, cuz she moved her purse. Like I was going to be stealing her wallet or something. As if. Seriously though, bring a pillow, the movie is long-long-long... but full of action so I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed seeing that Leonardo DiCaprio has finally gone through puberty. He has really filled out and looks like a man. I was growing a little tired of the 12 year old boy look he has been rocking since Titanic. Now if I can just get him to go back and re-do The Departed, The Aviator and Catch Me If You Can... LOL.

Seems Ben Affleck is in a new movie soon. I cannot remember the title, but it is about him being a bank robber/kidnapper... he is sexy-sexy-wow in this movie. Good to see he has been working out. I thought he dropped off the planet or something. Looking forward to that movie.

Also, Eat Pray Love with Julia Roberts looks interesting. Its a travel the world-to-find-yourself kind of movie and I like the concept. I just need a sponsor and I can travel the world myself. :)

Love lost.

Yesterday was a strange day. It started out stressful as usual... I had to pay my court costs before 5pm, plus had to work all day... then somewhere around 12:30pm I past out at work. This freaked out my co-workers Tom and Jeff. They called 911 and got me an ambulance. I have a fuzzy memory of the ride. At the hospital I was in fact bleeding and there was no detectable baby heartbeat. Eventually they did an ultrasound... they told me I had miscarried. I was really freaked out and my back hurt. They gave me pain meds and suddenly everything felt like a dream. A doctor told me that over 50% of pregnancies miscarry, but half of them are never detected so the woman never even realizes it.

I assumed stress must have caused my miscarriage. The doctor told me it probably was not stress, but more likely that I just had low hormone levels, since I had very few pregnancy symptoms. I was deemed 8 weeks along, but had no symptoms other that having to pee frequently. No morning sickness, no breast tenderness, no strong sense of smell. He said anything can cause a miscarriage, like caffeine or a virus, but that most likely I would never know why it happened.

I wish I knew why.

I think I am doing okay. I have a strong belief in the fact that everything happens for a reason, but I am still stuck in a place of confusion. I fear that I might be in shock... perhaps a few days from now I will be feeling the loss. Honestly, other than some dull cramping, I feel the same. I never felt as "strongly pregnant" as I did with J.J. so I guess the doc is right. Even my pregnancy tests had pretty faint lines. I never had my first appt with the obgyn. I never saw my baby on the sonogram. In way I think it is better this way. I was most defiantly attached to the baby and the idea of this baby, but I know there is some reason that this baby will never be born.

Meanwhile, Patrick has taken a job in Texas and leaves the same morning I have my custody mediation. I will be taking the bus to work in the mornings and afternoons again. I found a cheap car, it just needs new tires and brakes. Hopefully I can afford it next month.


J.J. started speech therapy on thursday. He did not do well, but thursday night I was trying to get him to repeat and he said "school" and "meow" very clearly. I think the speech therapy will catch him up real quick. Hopefully Josh will help me get him there so he can attend. He is also going to be evaluated for being a picky eater. He has a lot of issues with food and drink, so hopefully we can figure out ways to open him up to new foods soon. His weight has been good lately and he is gaining rather than losing. He also swapped up to Pull-ups since he has been using the potty at daycare. It is awful cute they take all the kids into the potty room and they take turns going potty on the little midget pottys, then they wash their hands in the midget sinks. Adorable.

stress overload

I have to come up with $547.04 by Friday to pay off my court costs. I had until July 30th but my nazi-cunt probation officer has decided to up the date to this Friday! I am going to be coming really close and I am nervous as hell.

I cant handle all this stress.

Not only that but I have to go sit in her office to pay her... so surely I will be there for 45 minutes to an hour, when I could be at work, making money.

FML

Still have power...

I was lucky enough to have my power kept on. Partnership for Strong Families ended up paying the bills for us. I'm glad because I did not have it. The guy was supposed to drop the check at 8 am, but didnt until after lunch, so they tried to shut it off, but I told them I paid it and they should double check the records... they said they would be back after lunch and soon after it got paid. My landlord tried to scam Partnership by saying I owed extra money that I didnt owe, so I had to call her and chew her out for it. She apologized, apparently unaware that the story would get back to me.

I have been so stressed I cant knit. What the hell is that? Crazy talk. I have sold a few scooters, mopeds and electric bikes, so commissions are flowing. I'm still not making minimum wage unless I sell 2 a week. After August, which is our busy season, I will be asking for an hourly raise, if I dont get it I will be moving on. Especially since I do mostly secretarial work.

I am under so much stress I am having visions that terrify me. I need some serious relaxation... but how do you do that with a 2 year old? I can never relax! When he is at daycare its okay, but usually I am at work. When he is with Josh for the weekend, I cant relax, since I miss him the whole time. Today i took a nap, which felt good. I should have done laundry, but I just couldnt. I couldnt wrap my mind around the concept of going to the laundry mat. Sitting there. Waiting. Waiting. Folding. Nope. I took a nap instead. I smell like gas and exhaust at work anyway so who cares if I re-wear my 3 shirts and 2 pants. I have clean underwear and socks... good enough for me.

I fantasize about one of those spa days you see on tv. You know... the rich bitches or the girls about to get married or something, they all go get mani-pedi's and maybe a mud wrap and a facial. Add a haircut and an eyebrow wax and you may as well have shot me in the head and sent me to heaven. Its all I can do to shave lately. I thought I upgraded my Venus razor... I went from the blue one to the pink one and I hate it. I have like 30 blades since I got it at Sam's Club, but even with a brand new blade it feels like its jagged and I get a million cuts all over me. My old one I never cut myself. I am seriously thinking about writing them a letter. I feel trapped by this razor since I have so many blades left, but my legs will be completely scar tissue if I use them up.

I invested $7.00 I dont have in putting my Etsy shop up for promotion. Might be a waste of money, but it might be a good investment too. We shall see. I have promoted my shop on Hyena Cart many times and had mixed results... but never on Etsy.

My son was super cute and sweet tonight. So good in fact he stayed up until 10pm... He kept climbing onto the couch to lay next to me and pulling the throw blanket up to his chin. Too cute. He was so cuddly. Finally I put him to bed, he refused to let me read a story for the 3rd night in a row and had a fit. I turned off the light and of course 20 mins later he got up again. I gave him a drink of water and put him back in bed-- so far so good. The kid has been so moody. I'm not sure if its just him or if its side effects of his steroids and albuterol he has in the nebulizer. he still coughs a couple of times a day. Its a crackly-nasty cough.  He has and appointment for Shands to get a full work up on the 25th of this month and he goes to the speech therapist next thursday. I will update soon!

Sorry for the sporadic choppy post... I'm just losing my mind these days and I'm tired. Goodnight!

D-Day

I got the letter in the mail.


I have until Tuesday at 6pm to pay the power bill, or they shut me off.


Rent is late. Landlord is pretty cool about it, but gave me a late fee. I get paid tomorrow, but it wont be enough. I have no idea what to do.

I'm going to pray.

Pictures

1. The blue frosting was fun.
2. Miss Thang wants to go to school!
3. Can you see the title? "The Toddler Years"
4. Reading is serious business.
5. The positive lines, sorry bad pic.

So I was sitting here trying to figure out how to come up with $100 for rent and I decided I am going to take $50 off the rent since I had to hook up the gas so the landlord could have the gas heater looked at. I had not planned on hooking it up until October... and she did say she would pay for it, so this month she can pay for it. Then I found $38 in my paypal account. I'm still short. I never did ask my new boss to reimburse my gas money when I drove to Orange Park last weekend, so I think I will on Monday. Then rent is due Thursday. The power bill was due about 2 weeks ago, but as long as they dont shut it off before Friday, I should be able to pay it that day. I pray every night before I fall asleep that they dont shut it off before I can pay it. So far, so good. All in all, despite all my stress... I am blessed. And even though I need to pay the daycare $35 Monday to keep him enrolled, some way, somehow I will pay the damn rent. I am going to handwash my underwear and work clothes to save $10and a trip to the laundrymat and  I am going to tell Pat that he needs to make the cigs last or just quit cuz I cant afford them this week. Gas will be rationed to only driving to daycare--then to work--then back to daycare for pickup and then home. I will be praying that Pat finds a job. He has been sending out resumes and applying everywhere, with no luck so far. I have not made a single sale this week at work, but Monday I hope to have at least 2. I need about 6 or 7 sales in order to make it another week after paying the power bill.

Today I wont stress though. Not anymore anyway. I have to buy some food, figure out how to stretch $32 to the max and then, just tv and knitting for me. I do think I will do some Craigslist ads and try to sell some scooters for the rest of the week. I might work Thursday too if the boss-lady will let me. Ah, off to knit... and I will take some pictures today.

More whining... I apologize.

Sweet serenity. I have tomorrow off. This is a blessing and a curse. I have no money, and I have to do my laundry... spend my last $32 in food stamps and then I will veg out on the couch, knit and watch some stupid tv. Cable and internet is a luxury I cannot afford, however it is the only bill that is not yet overdue! I have been dilligent about calling to complain about ever little blip on the screen or every time my dvr reboots... so far I have had $32 knocked off the bill. Hey, every little bit helps, right?

I hate just sitting around whining about how broke I am, but its just hard since Pat's unemployment stopped... whenever the federal government decides to pass some bill, maybe then we can get along for a few more months. He is talking about traveling for work, maybe as far as Maryland. I am okay with the distance, but I dont know how I could keep my job and the baby in daycare if I have no transportation. Plus other annoyances, like reporting for my probation, community service hours, court dates for my upcoming custody case, buying groceries, and doctors appointments. There is a bus system here, but it makes everything a million times harder when you have to catch a bus 2 hours ahead of time in the hot sun. Plus after work, there is no way I could make it to the daycare before closing time everyday. I would have to hire a sitter to pick him up for me. The ends just dont justify the means. There are no jobs here for Pat --LOL-- or me for that matter.

The job is going well though. I am not even paid minimum wage hourly, but my commission pay is nice. The job is fairly easy, no heavy lifting or craziness. I can handle it pregnant with no problem! I am not showing yet at all, but I do notice my belly rounding out a bit. I should post a picture. I will soon I promise.

The overwhelming support from my blog readers has been so wonderful! I love you all. I dont have many friends, so even if we have never met it is nice to know I do have many folks out there who care. Whether we are family, friends in real life, friends from other internet forums or if you just found me randomly and have kept reading about my chaotic life, I appreciate hearing from you all! I have only received one letter that seemed like it might be Josh or Josh's mother trying to find out the new blog address, I am pretty careful though and I continued conversation without sending the new blog address... this "girl" never wrote me back even though she says she is a knitter and loves to see my projects and pictures of my boy. Now, it isnt that I dont believe knitters would love to see project and kiddie pictures, but this particular letter just seemed fishy. It had no mention of current crazy issues, where the rest of you had all mentioned something like, "I hope you are okay", "I wondered about you" or "I'm thinking of you"...
So yeah, I may have lost a reader, but chances are it was a letter from the enemy camp.

I'm trying to sell my projects online, I have only made $40 though. So far. I took a huge loss on that particular project though. I applied for emergency TANF funds, but chances are slim that I will get them. I called my caseworker from DCF and asked about help for rent and the power bill. He then had me fax a bunch of info, but later found out they closed my case already... so I may have to open yet another one. I dont want too, but it may be a way for me to get my name on the list for Section 8 housing. Right now there is a 2 year waiting list JUST TO APPLY. If you have an open case though you can get bumped up the list sometimes I am told. Its worth a shot. Might make the landlord happy.

beautiful forspacious skies and amber waves of grain...

I hate America and I will tell you why.

If you have money, you are lucky and you dont have to deal with my problems. I have been working for Starbucks for the last few months... this in it self is an entirely different post/rant, but let me just say, corporate America is all about keeping you just below the amount of hours you need to receive health benefits. Starbucks allows its employees to attain such benefits when you consistently slave over steamed milk 20 hours weekly. It sounded like a wonderful thing to me... until I realized that my schedule was constantly changing-- one week 20.05 hours, then 15.00 the next. It kept happening... I brought it up and was told I just needed to work harder to get the hours... I did. Nothing changed. SO I started looking for a new job.

In the meantime I am currently on food stamps and my son is on medicaid. I also get vouchers for daycare that takes off $100 from my weekly bill. I still pay $63 and change. So I am told my voucher has expired and that since I already applied online for a new one, that I have to wait 2-3 weeks to get it-- the daycare then tells me that they need the bill paid in full so that he can continue going... if not, he loses his spot. So now I have to pay $163 a week until this voucher comes into play again. Fine and dandy, but I DONT HAVE IT. So I make a million calls begging and pleading "How do I get a voucher ASAP so I can quit Starbucks and start my new job?" and they tell me to go to the ELC which stands for Early Learning Coalition... a place far below the depths of hell... not to be compared with the heaven that is the DMV... no, no, the ELC is far worse in many ways. I go there... as directed. I sign up for a walk-in appointment. I am told right away that since my voucher expired I need to apply online. I told them I have, but I need this voucher to start my new job and cannot afford the daycare costs ---AND RENT---AND my PAST DUE POWER BILL... Thank the good Lord for the food stamps!
They tell me I need to leave and that they cannot help me until the application clears in 2-3 weeks. I cry and ask what I can do? They tell me to either apply and get approved for cash assistance or get an open case with DCF. I started hollering, "Why on earth would you rather have me on welfare then working my job and getting off the damn food stamps?" "You want to keep me on welfare, dont you?" and at that point they threatened calling the police on me for disrupting the waiting room.

I drove to DCF and asked them what I can do to get the vouchers and they tell me to open a voluntary case or apply for cash assistance. So with my back up against the wall, I reluctantly do it. I am so angry about this. within 12 hours I have a woman calling me from ELC telling me to come in ASAP as they have a voucher for me. Can you believe it???

All about numbers. The state needs open cases or people on cash assistance in order to get the damn funding to keep these idiots in jobs. Nothing changed... I just agreed to let the damn state into my business for X amount of months. Now I have my voucher in the morning and I can start my job without worry, daycare rates stay at $63 a week. If that isnt enough to make you want to burn down your father's store, I dont know what is... (that was a reference from "Life Goes On").

I started training my job this weekend, but really worked in my store today... I made more money this week already than in 2 weeks at Starfucks! So sad. I cannot wait until I can say goodbye to welfare and get on with my life. It will be a struggle to pay the rent this month and I am praying they dont shut off the power until next week at least... I cannot wait until next month.

New Job.

So I started training for my new job this weekend. Seems like it will be a blast. I'm selling scooters, atv's and motorcycles. I am learning about the different models and warranty offers... and I'm riding them. I never pictured myself on a scooter... in fact, I always made fun of scooters. Getting on a few today and driving them around though, I have to say, now I'm a fan. They are not all the same. It was interesting to see the differences in models, some are minor, some major.

I have some roadblocks with this job, (literally) like some huge construction work near the shop, blocking me from potential buyers. Also, there are many competitors in town. Though, I did check them out and none of them seem to carry quality scooters and most of their warranties are a year less than ours. So small roadblocks... I can handle it.

Of course I was smart and added a work friend to my Facebook... then had to go back and delete any posts about pregnancy! Obviously, I wont be telling them until its visually obvious! I do not think it will detract from my job at all. In fact I was thinking that it could be used as a selling point. When Mr. & Mrs. Uptight come into the shop and want a scooter for their spoiled brat who is a new student at UF... any fears they have about their little precious daughter riding a scooter will go out the window if they see a pregnant chick on one!

I'm pretty excited.

Thursday.

Here we go... back to blogging after a long break.
I'm having trouble keeping this news to myself, so I may as well blog it...

I'm pregnant. My ex-husband and I reunited after being divorced since 2003 and we decided to jump right in and make a baby. It took less than 3 weeks. We are officially knocked up and excited. I have done the math and my estimated due date is February 15, 2011.

I just started a new job. I hope this wont turn out badly... but I feel like they will love me by time they find out I am going to need some maternity leave and just deal with it. (Crossing my fingers!) I actually start on Saturday... this cannot go badly. I need this job! I quit Starbucks with a huge smile on my face. It felt great. I have no regrets.

The new blog.

I have a new blog.

The old one had so many great readers... but at least one not so great reader. I am avoiding that one.

Fresh start. (more later)