Saturday, July 24, 2010

Wow I have money...?

How on earth did that happen? I have money in my account... I can pay my bills this month and I will have some money left over! This new job is finally paying some bills, now that I am getting consistant checks. August should be a busy-busy-busy month for sales! I hope to make loads of cash.

I am so happy in fact, I actually bought the boy some presents. I got him a glow-worm. Okay, its not a glow worm, its a glow-starfish. It got better reviews than glow-worm so I had to let go of the nostalgia idea and try the glow-starfish. I also fell like a 400 pound sucker for Amazon's super shipping savings and had to spend the $25 so I also bought him a Curious George lunch box and dish set. It shipped on the 22nd, so I hope it comes soon. I am not having much luck getting that kid to sleep at night, so hopefully the glow-buddy will help. Chances are it will go into the pile of toys, but you never know.

I went to see Inception last night. What a good movie! I was very impressed . I was honestly amazed by the fact that I followed it as well as I did. I had a glass of wine before I went and I am very glad I did not make it two glasses!!! Now what is it about Leonardo DiCaprio that makes him do these LONG movies? I cant stay comfortable in a movie theater for an hour, let alone 2.5 hours! I was fidgeting so much I made the girl next to me nervous, cuz she moved her purse. Like I was going to be stealing her wallet or something. As if. Seriously though, bring a pillow, the movie is long-long-long... but full of action so I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed seeing that Leonardo DiCaprio has finally gone through puberty. He has really filled out and looks like a man. I was growing a little tired of the 12 year old boy look he has been rocking since Titanic. Now if I can just get him to go back and re-do The Departed, The Aviator and Catch Me If You Can... LOL.

Seems Ben Affleck is in a new movie soon. I cannot remember the title, but it is about him being a bank robber/kidnapper... he is sexy-sexy-wow in this movie. Good to see he has been working out. I thought he dropped off the planet or something. Looking forward to that movie.

Also, Eat Pray Love with Julia Roberts looks interesting. Its a travel the world-to-find-yourself kind of movie and I like the concept. I just need a sponsor and I can travel the world myself. :)

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Love lost.

Yesterday was a strange day. It started out stressful as usual... I had to pay my court costs before 5pm, plus had to work all day... then somewhere around 12:30pm I past out at work. This freaked out my co-workers Tom and Jeff. They called 911 and got me an ambulance. I have a fuzzy memory of the ride. At the hospital I was in fact bleeding and there was no detectable baby heartbeat. Eventually they did an ultrasound... they told me I had miscarried. I was really freaked out and my back hurt. They gave me pain meds and suddenly everything felt like a dream. A doctor told me that over 50% of pregnancies miscarry, but half of them are never detected so the woman never even realizes it.

I assumed stress must have caused my miscarriage. The doctor told me it probably was not stress, but more likely that I just had low hormone levels, since I had very few pregnancy symptoms. I was deemed 8 weeks along, but had no symptoms other that having to pee frequently. No morning sickness, no breast tenderness, no strong sense of smell. He said anything can cause a miscarriage, like caffeine or a virus, but that most likely I would never know why it happened.

I wish I knew why.

I think I am doing okay. I have a strong belief in the fact that everything happens for a reason, but I am still stuck in a place of confusion. I fear that I might be in shock... perhaps a few days from now I will be feeling the loss. Honestly, other than some dull cramping, I feel the same. I never felt as "strongly pregnant" as I did with J.J. so I guess the doc is right. Even my pregnancy tests had pretty faint lines. I never had my first appt with the obgyn. I never saw my baby on the sonogram. In way I think it is better this way. I was most defiantly attached to the baby and the idea of this baby, but I know there is some reason that this baby will never be born.

Meanwhile, Patrick has taken a job in Texas and leaves the same morning I have my custody mediation. I will be taking the bus to work in the mornings and afternoons again. I found a cheap car, it just needs new tires and brakes. Hopefully I can afford it next month.

J.J. started speech therapy on thursday. He did not do well, but thursday night I was trying to get him to repeat and he said "school" and "meow" very clearly. I think the speech therapy will catch him up real quick. Hopefully Josh will help me get him there so he can attend. He is also going to be evaluated for being a picky eater. He has a lot of issues with food and drink, so hopefully we can figure out ways to open him up to new foods soon. His weight has been good lately and he is gaining rather than losing. He also swapped up to Pull-ups since he has been using the potty at daycare. It is awful cute they take all the kids into the potty room and they take turns going potty on the little midget pottys, then they wash their hands in the midget sinks. Adorable.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

stress overload

I have to come up with $547.04 by Friday to pay off my court costs. I had until July 30th but my nazi-cunt probation officer has decided to up the date to this Friday! I am going to be coming really close and I am nervous as hell.

I cant handle all this stress.

Not only that but I have to go sit in her office to pay her... so surely I will be there for 45 minutes to an hour, when I could be at work, making money.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Still have power...

I was lucky enough to have my power kept on. Partnership for Strong Families ended up paying the bills for us. I'm glad because I did not have it. The guy was supposed to drop the check at 8 am, but didnt until after lunch, so they tried to shut it off, but I told them I paid it and they should double check the records... they said they would be back after lunch and soon after it got paid. My landlord tried to scam Partnership by saying I owed extra money that I didnt owe, so I had to call her and chew her out for it. She apologized, apparently unaware that the story would get back to me.

I have been so stressed I cant knit. What the hell is that? Crazy talk. I have sold a few scooters, mopeds and electric bikes, so commissions are flowing. I'm still not making minimum wage unless I sell 2 a week. After August, which is our busy season, I will be asking for an hourly raise, if I dont get it I will be moving on. Especially since I do mostly secretarial work.

I am under so much stress I am having visions that terrify me. I need some serious relaxation... but how do you do that with a 2 year old? I can never relax! When he is at daycare its okay, but usually I am at work. When he is with Josh for the weekend, I cant relax, since I miss him the whole time. Today i took a nap, which felt good. I should have done laundry, but I just couldnt. I couldnt wrap my mind around the concept of going to the laundry mat. Sitting there. Waiting. Waiting. Folding. Nope. I took a nap instead. I smell like gas and exhaust at work anyway so who cares if I re-wear my 3 shirts and 2 pants. I have clean underwear and socks... good enough for me.

I fantasize about one of those spa days you see on tv. You know... the rich bitches or the girls about to get married or something, they all go get mani-pedi's and maybe a mud wrap and a facial. Add a haircut and an eyebrow wax and you may as well have shot me in the head and sent me to heaven. Its all I can do to shave lately. I thought I upgraded my Venus razor... I went from the blue one to the pink one and I hate it. I have like 30 blades since I got it at Sam's Club, but even with a brand new blade it feels like its jagged and I get a million cuts all over me. My old one I never cut myself. I am seriously thinking about writing them a letter. I feel trapped by this razor since I have so many blades left, but my legs will be completely scar tissue if I use them up.

I invested $7.00 I dont have in putting my Etsy shop up for promotion. Might be a waste of money, but it might be a good investment too. We shall see. I have promoted my shop on Hyena Cart many times and had mixed results... but never on Etsy.

My son was super cute and sweet tonight. So good in fact he stayed up until 10pm... He kept climbing onto the couch to lay next to me and pulling the throw blanket up to his chin. Too cute. He was so cuddly. Finally I put him to bed, he refused to let me read a story for the 3rd night in a row and had a fit. I turned off the light and of course 20 mins later he got up again. I gave him a drink of water and put him back in bed-- so far so good. The kid has been so moody. I'm not sure if its just him or if its side effects of his steroids and albuterol he has in the nebulizer. he still coughs a couple of times a day. Its a crackly-nasty cough.  He has and appointment for Shands to get a full work up on the 25th of this month and he goes to the speech therapist next thursday. I will update soon!

Sorry for the sporadic choppy post... I'm just losing my mind these days and I'm tired. Goodnight!

Thursday, July 1, 2010


I got the letter in the mail.

I have until Tuesday at 6pm to pay the power bill, or they shut me off.

Rent is late. Landlord is pretty cool about it, but gave me a late fee. I get paid tomorrow, but it wont be enough. I have no idea what to do.

I'm going to pray.