Saturday, July 17, 2010

Love lost.

Yesterday was a strange day. It started out stressful as usual... I had to pay my court costs before 5pm, plus had to work all day... then somewhere around 12:30pm I past out at work. This freaked out my co-workers Tom and Jeff. They called 911 and got me an ambulance. I have a fuzzy memory of the ride. At the hospital I was in fact bleeding and there was no detectable baby heartbeat. Eventually they did an ultrasound... they told me I had miscarried. I was really freaked out and my back hurt. They gave me pain meds and suddenly everything felt like a dream. A doctor told me that over 50% of pregnancies miscarry, but half of them are never detected so the woman never even realizes it.

I assumed stress must have caused my miscarriage. The doctor told me it probably was not stress, but more likely that I just had low hormone levels, since I had very few pregnancy symptoms. I was deemed 8 weeks along, but had no symptoms other that having to pee frequently. No morning sickness, no breast tenderness, no strong sense of smell. He said anything can cause a miscarriage, like caffeine or a virus, but that most likely I would never know why it happened.

I wish I knew why.

I think I am doing okay. I have a strong belief in the fact that everything happens for a reason, but I am still stuck in a place of confusion. I fear that I might be in shock... perhaps a few days from now I will be feeling the loss. Honestly, other than some dull cramping, I feel the same. I never felt as "strongly pregnant" as I did with J.J. so I guess the doc is right. Even my pregnancy tests had pretty faint lines. I never had my first appt with the obgyn. I never saw my baby on the sonogram. In way I think it is better this way. I was most defiantly attached to the baby and the idea of this baby, but I know there is some reason that this baby will never be born.

Meanwhile, Patrick has taken a job in Texas and leaves the same morning I have my custody mediation. I will be taking the bus to work in the mornings and afternoons again. I found a cheap car, it just needs new tires and brakes. Hopefully I can afford it next month.

J.J. started speech therapy on thursday. He did not do well, but thursday night I was trying to get him to repeat and he said "school" and "meow" very clearly. I think the speech therapy will catch him up real quick. Hopefully Josh will help me get him there so he can attend. He is also going to be evaluated for being a picky eater. He has a lot of issues with food and drink, so hopefully we can figure out ways to open him up to new foods soon. His weight has been good lately and he is gaining rather than losing. He also swapped up to Pull-ups since he has been using the potty at daycare. It is awful cute they take all the kids into the potty room and they take turns going potty on the little midget pottys, then they wash their hands in the midget sinks. Adorable.